Just finished a manic 12hour shift at work. It's not a very nice feeling to work so damned hard and then kinda realise that you're only a flipping waitress, you're not actually making that much of a difference!

To cut a long story short, here's a breif update: I feel like I haven't slept in weeks. Ex is refusing to talk to me except for one obscure text at 2.30am the other night. All I do is work yet I have no money. Everyone expects me to be blooming cheerful all the time because, well I usually am, and of course i'm pregnant I should be happy all the time supposedly, so I can't really talk about it with anyone. Not to mention that none of my friends have ever been in this kinda position so much.

I love my baby so much, it's crazy, just want to cuddle her already... can't believe I have to wait another 3months!! Good news is she's started kicking!! It's such a brilliant feeling!!!

Okay, I'm sorry, I'll stop whinging now!!!

... I'm sure the blogging world has been missing me Still not entirely sure about how all this blogging malarky works... but i now have four whole friends. Still a wee bit to go till I have as many as my bebo friends. I do love my bebo!

Just finished work! Working full time is proving to be quite fun at times, even tho everyone, doctor included!, keeps telling me it's not good for me as I'm on my feet all day, and I need to take it easy, stop over-stressing myself etc etc blah blah!! On the other hand, friends and others keep telling me how healthy and (goodness gracious!) happy I'm looking!

This is probably because of a few wee life changes I have made:
1. Days I don't have lectures, I give myself a long lie - I think i deserve it!
2. No sitting around in comfy pajamas all day! When I get up I force myself into the shower and out to the shop or for a walk, even when I really don't want to - Also feel better for it.
3. Nights I'm off, or even during the day, don't cancel plans I've made just because I feel a bit shit. When I do go meet my friends and stuff I'm always really glad I did!
4. Maybe an obvious seeming thing - but when I'm wearing nice clothes and makeup on and I look good I always feel better, so 10mins to make an effort in the morning is totally worht it!
5. At work, general chitchat with customers more. Especially the good looking men! It's good to get some banter, and well, if i make a wee bit more tips thorugh it, what the heck?

So yes, todays mood is optimistic. As are most days! Still worried about money primarily, and alot of other things, but the funny thing is I don't regret anything that's happened. My ex changed my life in a lot of ways - he made me more secure about myself, he made me realise I could make myself happy. He made me confident, not just pretend to be confident, about my body and everything else, and he helped me become a person I'm proud of, So i can't say I wish I'd never met him! I'd never say I wish i hadn't got pregnant, because I love my baby tho he/she's not born yet! and I can't say that I wish we hadn't split, because towards the end, we just made each other miserable more than we made each other happy, it just wouldn't have been good for either of us. Also I don't want to get bitter about men in general, and life and the world, becaseu in 3 and a half months, I'm going to have a little person to teach about the world. And while I am too trusting, sometimes to my own detriment and also seem to believe people are good even when they turn out not to me, I think that having this is alot better than being all twisted about life, and I want my wee one to grow up to love people and the world, just like I do...

Enough of this sentimentality!! Tomorrow is one of those long lie days I mentioned! Yay! I hope everyone else is well!

It's not a good night...

The ex-boyfriend (God it kills me to refer to him as that) has requested unless anything happens with the baby that I do not contact him. Its supposedly "for the best". I don't like being alone, I miss him so much. especially the thought of him being with his wife again makes me want to kill him and cry at the same time!

He's also told me I can expect about £30 a week in child maintenance from him. Sounds like nothing really doesn't it? The whole benefit/housing benefit system is so complicated, I'm going to go via the jobcentre and see if they can explain it to me. Fingers crossed!

It's strange, sometimes I feel okay. Except for money, I feel like maybe I can do this, and I'll be okay. But when it gets to night time especially, or I speak to him or my parents,or see an ordinary family, I feel so alone and scared, I know it's a terrible thing to say but sometimes I even wish I wasn't pregnant, I'm not capable. I'm not strong enough, I just can't do it. Pregnancy moodswings multiplied, eh? Just cant's stop crying. Really struggling to eat or sleep too, and that makes me feel even more guilty for being a bad mother, and my poor wee one hasn't even been born!

I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone who's been in a position like this? Any tips on how to sort it out, money, anything really! While I have really good friends, it's not really within your average 20year olds usual realms....

Thanks alot xx

Why is is that when you Google (I really like googling things!) "Single mum benefits", you are more likely than not confronted by comments from people (mostly men I must say!), about how they are all lazy, selfish slobs etc... Okay so I amn't technically a single mum yet, but in four months I will be. When I found out I was pregnant, it was completely unplanned, but my then-boyfriend was amazingly supportive. We had a flat, he earns a decent wage, it would have all worked out, and I would not have been living of benfits. Except now through no fault of my own, this isn't going to be happening, I have no choice but to live of benefits, which as far as I can make out is very, very little! This doesn;t make us selfish. Most of us are prepared to work our asses of for our kids. Heck mine's not even born and I love him/her more than anything and my biggest worry is giving her the life she deserves!

And as if trying to find an affordable flat wasn't enough, I have to write a disseration, and work full time! and you know what - it's really not that bad! Obvioulsy it's tiring, but I know I've got it easy compared to some!

And seriously, and I honestly can't believe I'm saying this, my biggest source of inspiration is the new Britney Spears album... have a wee dance about for 10minutes, cheers me right up, then I can go back to working or writing. and Baba seems to have no objection to it either! God, I must be cracking up!

I hope all others in blog-world are well too.

If anyone has any information on how much roughly single mothers are entitled to, I find the whole system very confusing! and housing benefits etc? and generally any inspirational stories that'll make me feel a wee tad more confident - that'd be great!

Well a brief history for newcomers to my life:

I am 20years old. ALmost finished University. Four and a half months pregnant. Two weeks ago my boyfriend broke up with me. Yesterday he has informed me he is going back to his ex-wife, as he is worried the kids will go of the rails, it will mean the child support agency isn't hounding him and because he "can't afford not to". Charming, eh?

I have never written a blog before... I dont' know if there are any bloggin protocols I should adhere to... If I'm making any newbie mistakes, don't hesitate to tell me!

The purpose of my blog is that I don't know anyone else in quite the same situation as me. So maybe, should anyone stumble across my wee blog, they will be inspired at me story. (Which, yes, I know, is not very inspirational as yet, but I'm hoping that this story will get better and will turn into a single-mother-turns-life-around type things.) And heck, I currently feel like I'm in an episode of Hollyoaks so it might just be entertaining for you!

So, enjoy! I will be at all times doing my best to look on the bright side... and if no-one ever reads this but me, well at least I've found a new means of procrastination!