It's not a good night...

The ex-boyfriend (God it kills me to refer to him as that) has requested unless anything happens with the baby that I do not contact him. Its supposedly "for the best". I don't like being alone, I miss him so much. especially the thought of him being with his wife again makes me want to kill him and cry at the same time!

He's also told me I can expect about £30 a week in child maintenance from him. Sounds like nothing really doesn't it? The whole benefit/housing benefit system is so complicated, I'm going to go via the jobcentre and see if they can explain it to me. Fingers crossed!

It's strange, sometimes I feel okay. Except for money, I feel like maybe I can do this, and I'll be okay. But when it gets to night time especially, or I speak to him or my parents,or see an ordinary family, I feel so alone and scared, I know it's a terrible thing to say but sometimes I even wish I wasn't pregnant, I'm not capable. I'm not strong enough, I just can't do it. Pregnancy moodswings multiplied, eh? Just cant's stop crying. Really struggling to eat or sleep too, and that makes me feel even more guilty for being a bad mother, and my poor wee one hasn't even been born!

I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone who's been in a position like this? Any tips on how to sort it out, money, anything really! While I have really good friends, it's not really within your average 20year olds usual realms....

Thanks alot xx